alcoholic relationship

Relationship problems In Early Sobriety

Posted by admin on July 15, 2014
relationships / No Comments

Alcoholics getting sober need to understand how important it is not to get into a relationship in early sobriety. You come to AA and if you are lucky enough to find someone able to help you then you have a better chance at staying sober.

The aim is to stay around long enough to get sober. Time is needed for this to happen. To get sober it has been proven it takes at least 5 to 7 years. Proven by the older sober members (OSMs) of AA who got sober on the riverbanks of Sutherland . It takes longer if you make any big mistakes. One big mistake is to get into perfect-relationshiprelationships early in sobriety.

Once sober then you can then become an older sober member (OSM) of an AA group. At times you will be in a position where short-term members will need your help. The alkies who come to AA will often have many living problems. Mostly alcohol has caused these problems. Alkies can sometimes come to AA with romance on their minds.

They have emotional problems and need advice to overcome being sexually frustrated. Alkies can overcome this problem by learning to see things as they really are. Most important for them is to be on a track of getting sober. Everything else is second to that. Until he is  properly sober he is likely to easily slip back into an old way of thinking, from the past. This old way of thinking needs to be recognised for what it is and be avoided. Simply because it didn’t work then so it will not work now. They instead need a new way of thinking for the future.

Sex Problems

A fella or woman when getting sober understands that a sexual relationship early in sobriety is likely to interfere, big time, with their head. Alkies with sex problems must learn that it’s the organ at the top of the body that needs to be worked on. By doing this (looking after their head) they learn that the other organs of the body will function normally. They need to learn they will survive an emotional experience by learning to handle it properly.

He needs to understand that he has to be sober first before he thinks about being in a relationship. This is where sober AA members will talk openly with him in a mature way, and by using the ideas of today. They say to him to, “get into reality” They remind him that when he got to AA he could hardly string two words together. Let alone have it together enough be able to hold down a conversation that would impress anyone with a bit of nous.

Feelings Are Not Facts

When he’s in short-term sobriety remind him that he is a long way from being sober. He needs to understand that, feelings are not facts. Remind him that he is still mad, as a direct result of what alcohol did to his thinking, as a primary alcoholic. It’s important for him to understand that his thinking is all out of whack and he needs to give it time to fix it and to understand that his feelings and emotions are out of whack as well.

Emotions are going up and down and is a big part of what happens to alkies when getting sober. If they are on a track of getting sober they are able to recognise this shift in thinking when it happens and will be able to correct it quickly. Alkies are not kids nor idiots. They are generally very intelligent and can handle the truth. If on the other hand they don’t get the truth they will know it, and they will go searching elsewhere for it. Be truthful with them in a way they will understand and be secure talking to you about any problem understanding their crazy mixed up feelings they have in early sobriety.

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Are You In An Alcoholic Relationship?

Posted by admin on July 02, 2014
alcoholic relationships / No Comments

Is your relationship in trouble due to problems with alcohol and is it your own or your partner’s heavy drinking that is the problem? Do you both drink? Are you in a relationship where both partners drink on a regular basis? If so and you want the relationship to survive, attention is needed. Especially if there are children involved and the alcoholic_relationshiprelationship is breaking down due to alcohol problems.

First thing you need to do is to look at the problem from an outsiders perspective. This will be hard if you are both drinking. Sort out if it really is an alcohol problem or if there’s another reason for the marriage/relationship breakdown. First thing that comes to mind is financial problems, but are they due to money spent on alcohol. It’s not cheap, and especially if you smoke as well but that’s another chapter. First establish if alcohol is the #1 problem or is it used as a lubricant to cope with other problems.

This an important point to consider if one is wanting to get to the bottom of any problem with alcohol. If you are not sure if you have an alcohol problem then the best way to find out is to stop drinking alcohol.

If you can’t stop drinking for any length of time and especially if you become even more obsessed with alcohol then you will need to admit that you do have a drinking problem. If your partner is a heavy drinker and you want him/her to cut-down/stop then it is in both partners best interest to stop drinking completely.

That is even if you think you don’t drink much and it can’t be you who has the problem, well think again. It could quite well be you as well.

You can be mistaken and it could be a costly mistake if your relationship breaks down. If you can’t stop drinking and you think your partner should stop or cut down then it could possibly be that you both have the problem. If so you need not put all the blame on a heavy drinker in the relationship.

We have learned from the older sober members (OSM)s at AA meetings that it’s (the problem) not about how much you drink or how often you drink, it’s about what it does to you. Small amounts of alcohol can cause problems such as a personality change – in someone who is allergic to alcohol and does not realise it.

It can be deceiving. That’s because heavy drinking can be manageable for some people. At least for a period of time until they cross a ‘thin red line’ into uncontrolled drinking. People with an allergy to alcohol can fall into a blackout from one drink and not be aware of what they did or how much damage they caused while in a blackout.

Both partners drinking can be looking at the other and believing they are at fault and not themselves, when in fact they are both equally at fault by abusing alcohol. That is if they are not using alcohol as it is meant to be used for social drinking and is not abused.

Another mistake partners in alcoholic relationships can make is that they think cutting down on alcohol consumption is a solution to the problem. It’s a myth, and one where even so-called-professionals are getting it wrong. Problem drinking is usually drinking for the effect. If so then having a couple of drinks is totally pointless in this situation. The only solution is total abstinence from alcohol by both partners.

If this can not be achieved then the suggestion is to take a look at AA. It may be able to help. The trick here is not to stop drinking, that is the easy part. The trick is to learn how to stay stopped by not picking up the next drink, and to be happy about it.

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Can a Relationship with an Alcoholic Survive ?

Posted by admin on November 10, 2011
alcoholic relationships / 48 Comments

If you are asking can a relationship with an alcoholic survive the short answer is ‘no’ It is said that there are always exceptions to any rule however it is not advisable to get into a relationship when he or she is alcoholic drinking. Also during a time of getting sober. For an alcoholic, a relationship at this time spells disaster. That is because it is likely the two will have nothing in common. Nothing except possibly the alcohol, if they are both drinking. Often during a relationship like this he spends the time trying to prove that he has not made a mistake, when in fact he has.

alcoholic abusine relationship

Sometimes he may even get married and it lasts for a while. Chances are that it will end in divorce. A relationship for an alcoholic while drinking is never successful for any length of time.

Together for the wrong reason’s

Although his life is unmanageable due to alcohol he is usually a good worker and a good money earner. He has to be resourceful in this way, due to the way that he drinks. He needs lots of money. That earning capacity makes him an attractive catch to some women. They are in fact together for the wrong reasons.

Many women like the security of someone who is bringing in a good regular income. His drinking is overlooked or it could even be seen as an advantage by some women who like to take control in relationships.

They see that an alkie is easily manipulated when he is drinking. In most situations he is not seeing the situation as it really is so he is oblivious to things going on around him. Including the partner playing up behind his back.

The victim not the perpetrator

A lot is said in the media on abusive alcoholic relationships. The partner is said to be enduring hardship of some sort or another because of his drinking. Sorry I do not buy this story at all. The reason I do not feel sorry for someone in a relationship with an alcoholic is this:

  • The alcoholic is the victim. He is the victim of alcohol and of any nutter who wants to get hold of him – which is usually for their own advantage.
  • When drinking he is not in control of his life. Therefor everyone else around him is in control.
  •  An alcoholic who is sober will say that once they find out what is wrong with them, after going to AA, they then have to take a good look at the people around them and wonder what is wrong with them.
  • This is because they realize that, they (themselves) would not put up with anyone like themselves for 5 minutes, if it had not been for the affects of alcohol.

It is sometimes sensationalized in the media that the poor woman is victim of a abusive alcoholic relationship. This does not makes sense. Simply because she has a choice. That is that she can leave. She does not have to put up with any abuse. So who is really the victim in such a situation?

Got to be cruel to be kind

The kindest thing someone can do for a practicing alcoholic is to leave him. That is because propping him up will only keep him longer away from doing something positive about himself, and before it’s too late. Fact is he may think he is O.K. and not that bad, if someone is  propping him up, as the saying goes.

At this point I would like to make something very clear. This is that there are many people who have other problems besides alcohol and who also like to drink and who are not alcoholics. They are the nutters who drink and become violent in drink. Alcohol can affect nutters badly and can cause their problems, whatever they may be, to be worse. Drinking alcohol for these people can cause a result of them hurting themselves or others.

This type of person (the nutter who drinks) is the one who gives the poor old alkie a bad name. This is because a nutter who drinks and has adverse effects are regularly referred to as alcoholics – by counselors and by the mainstream media – when in fact they are not alcoholics at all.

Primary Alcoholics are misunderstood

A primary alcoholic is misunderstood due to many factors including these people who have other problems and who drink alcohol. An alcoholic is in fact someone who is allergic to alcohol and is not a perpetrator he is a victim. This allergy to alcohol causes him to have a personality change. Putting aside what anyone else may think of him, the personality change causes him to become someone he doesn’t like – because he can not live up to his own expectations.

Commenting on this topic in encouraged and questions about the practicing alcoholic will be answered. Please understand though that a person who is not an alcoholic does not understand  properly, the problems of an alcoholic.

 

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